


did i say that outloud?

by lesbianjeongyeon



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Canon Divergent, F/F, at least slightly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 23:02:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11171922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianjeongyeon/pseuds/lesbianjeongyeon
Summary: one shot about a little self-discovery for alex danvers, and about still kissing the girls she wants to kiss.----canon compliant with liberties for after 2x22, and a really soft fic all around.





	did i say that outloud?

**Author's Note:**

> not edited really but quickly written after being inspired by a friend. hit me up @wcnderwomvns on tumblr!

The struggle starts pretty early on. When Alex realizes she’s a lesbian, when she can finally say the word out loud, can say that to others without shaking over the word, she knows she can finally do the research she wants. She knows that she can open web pages, read books, look at others discussion boards without throwing the book down, without closing the tab and deleting her browsing history, when she can actually read those experiences and feel like it resonates with her. She knows she can do this without being scared.

So she does.

She does because she’s gotten into a fight with Maggie, and words were said, emotions were high and things were said and things were forgiven. But still, she had a fight with Maggie, and now she can’t stop thinking.

_ “Danvers, you’ve never even been with another woman, how would you know, you want just me?” _

_ “Because I don’t.” _

_ “I said not right now, not not ever.” _

_ “So not right now means you don’t want to marry me until I’ve been with another woman?” _

_ “That’s not what I meant!” _

_ \---- _

She knows that Maggie didn’t mean it like that, but it still made her feel like maybe she had a point.

Alex has loved Maggie in every way she knows how, softly when they’re holding hands, when they’re laying in bed and Maggie insists on being the big spoon, no matter how she argues it, how Maggie knows what Alex likes to eat on her rougher nights.

And how Alex knows the best way to convince Maggie to put down the badge and the work and just have a nice night in, how she likes a massage on a cool night, with the glass doors cracked, and the moonlight spilling into the room full of candles. How when they sleep together, when they have sex, that she can have the softest touches while causing torture that Alex has never experienced before. Never felt right about before. With men.

But Alex has loved Maggie roughly as well. She’s loved her fast and intimately and without reservations, in the backroom of the alien bar, on the beach in Midvale in the early morning sunrise, when they visited her mother a few months ago, after a particularly harsh mission where they were certain they weren’t going to live through it.

Alex remembers what it was like before, knowing she didn’t like being intimate with men. Why she could never relate to her friends growing up when they talked about the boys -- the men -- in their lives.

But she gets it when she looks at women.

Or mostly she does.

When she looks at women, when she finds herself appreciating their build, their soft smile, the way they move. How soft they are, it’s all in a view that she thought she wasn’t allowed to have before. She thinks back to the past when she would think similar thoughts about Vicky, about her roommate her first year in college, that one professor with the glasses and the always changing polka dotted blouses. She thinks back to them because she brings them up to Maggie all the time.

Maggie calls them her gay crushes. She finds out later, when wanting to know more -no matter how embarrassing it was to ask- why she felt so wrong even now, thinking about women. About why she had to tell herself not to eye someone attractive because it’s creepy and she hates when men do it to her.

“Look-up internalized homophobia, Danvers. Then try to see what you find when it comes down to lesbians specifically.”

She does, and Maggie and she spent two hours talking about it and its effects on each other. Maggie explains how attraction - very specifically sexual attraction can be shunned because of the topics. How lesbians can be desexualized. Maggie becomes very patient and Alex loves her even a little more with each passing word because Maggie Sawyer is proud to be who she is, and isn’t apologetic about it.

Alex finds her very proud of her girlfriend.

She also finds herself with more questions. But she doesn’t ask them, doesn’t even entertain them because she’s with Maggie.

And that’s all that ever mattered.

Maggie.

However, this fight brings everything to surface, it brings back questions she’d forgotten about, thoughts she hadn’t even considered. Alex thinks about once again her aversion to certain intimacies, and she had thought it was just men, but could she suddenly be broken?

She looks it up, but what she finds only happens to confuse her more. What she once thought she understood became something more, and something complicated.

Alex thinks about intimacy again.

She loves intimacy with Maggie, she loves sex. Sex with Maggie. She loves being with Maggie, she adores all of the aspects of relationships, with Maggie.

So when she reads all these different types of topics she gets confused, because suddenly she feels even more broken than she was before. How can one feelings change the course of what she is and what she could be?

Except the more she reads the more she realizes, it doesn’t. Alex reads more, and takes it all in, she digs deeper than just the average sites, and she even reaches out to a friend she met at the center that Maggie volunteers at. She spends a week trying to understand what she can about herself because she can’t waste another 27 years being confused about who she is.

Alex talks about sex and love, and attraction and she get answers. And she gets answers for Maggie. And for herself.

She understands why when she looks at a woman in a bar, she can appreciate every aspect with her, she could in theory stare at a woman’s set of ass all day if she wanted to, and boy would she greatly appreciate it.

(Even though she wants to kill Winn for even implying she’s ever done this in her life, her sister was in the room, he really does have no filter.)

She finally understands that she can do everything she was before, she can be as Lesbian as she wants, but she can still experience this confusing part of her. This part where she doesn’t understand how at the bar, men can just pick up women, women can just pick up women, and so on and so forth, and just go home to have sex.

She doesn’t understand it because the times she had done that, she was more than drunk, she was uncomfortable and felt like it was lacking something. Felt too hot and too stuffy, and honestly too gross.

And yeah, much of that had to do with the fact, she’s a huge lesbian, who wants to literally cringe at being that close, that intimate with a man.

But she gets now that much of that had to do with it was lacking something, it lacked what she needed to feel to feel comfortable with that.

So now she has answers, and she has answers for Maggie, and she thinks finally she can stop questioning herself, at least for this year. ‘Coming out’ twice is already maybe too many for one year.

\---

She tells Maggie exactly eight days and twelve hours after they had their fight, it’s been long gone and they’ve fallen back into their comfortable pattern. Alex still wakes up for her morning runs, and Maggie still groans at the alarm that goes off every morning. Maggie still steals the blankets at night but makes it up with morning coffee the next day, and they both argue about dinner choices before settling on take out twice that week.

In the end, things are normal, and she doesn’t have to tell her, but she wants to.

So she does.

They’re sitting on the couch, Maggie’s so many case files surrounding her that Alex is sure if they were all stacked nice and neatly they’d be taller than she is. Alex was reading a new medical journal and HGTV is something that’s playing quietly in the background, every now and then Alex makes a comment about Maggie’s guilty pleasure television, and Maggie points out that Alex is the one actually watching considering she clearly knew what was going on. And the cycle resets.

Until Alex clears her throat, and sets the journal down and moves her glasses to the top of her head.

“Hey, babe. Can I talk to you?” Alex hates the way her voice wavers at the start and the confused look that Maggie gets - especially because it is preceded by a look that could only be described as a quick flash of fear. Maybe she could have worded it better.

Maggie moves the files off her lap and crosses her legs.

“Sure, Danvers. You’ve been acting weird all day --”

“It’s nothing bad! I hope, anyway.” Alex doesn’t mean to interrupt but she also doesn’t want Maggie to think that in some way she’s at fault for this.

Maggie raises an eyebrow, but she nods anyway, and Alex finds herself counting back to ten and letting out a deep breath.

“Last week, when we had that fight -”  
  
“Babe, I thought we were over --”

“It’s not what you’re thinking, just let me get it out and then I promise we can talk about it.”

Maggie gets a look of nervousness, and clearly, she’s hesitant when she nods, but Alex appreciates it either way.

“When we had that fight, you asked me about being with another woman, and I know what you meant, and how we’ve already talked about it, but it got me thinking. Not about being with other women, that’s not true because I want to be with you, because you’re you. And because of all the amazing things I’ve told you in the past, and the million more that I eventually will tell you…” Alex runs a hand through her hair, and she moves to stand up to pace because that’s what she’s best at, but not before catching Maggie’s clearly confused gaze.

“Okay…”

“Anyways, I guess -- well I guess when we talked about me coming out it was about you because it was, and I guess this is about me? Finding out I was a lesbian was like finding out - wow, like a whole new world of new like - like that scene in Star Wars you love so much, when Rey says she’s never seen so much green before…”

Maggie laughs outright, and her nose crinkles when she does and Alex smiles, and suddenly that weight on her chest feels a little lighter.

“Anyways that was amazing, and I’ve always felt happy with knowing that, but there’s also always been this question about why -- how I feel and I was so scared I think, because I finally felt like I found something that fit me. And realizing that I didn’t feel -- I didn’t want to sleep with another woman, to touch someone that way, I thought it was because I was in love with you, and it is but I realized later it’s also because I feel careful and comfortable enough to do that with you. And I thought maybe I was broken because I didn’t want that intimacy with men, and I don’t feel that immediately with women, but I feel it with you and god...” she blows another breath out, letting her mouth crease just for a second as she carefully tries to pick her words before ignoring all of it and just letting words spill out.

“I love sex with you, you know, and I love everything about us and -- I just, I want that with you and I wanted you to know that for right now, I only feel that way for you and I think, I would have to work for me to feel that way toward another woman. Am I making sense?”

The unspoken ‘ _ is that okay?’  _ still lingers in the air. Alex still feels nervous and her nerves only grow as she watches the confused expression on Maggie’s face relax into something more neutral, as she waits through, ten, twenty - now thirty seconds of silence. And finally Maggie speaks.

“Wait, Danvers. Were you really just trying to tell me that? I was sitting here waiting for you to drop the bomb that the DEO was moving you across the fucking country or something. Jesus, Danvers, way to scare someone.”

Maggies laughing and soon so is Alex, and everything seems to relax and the tension is gone, and Alex collapses back on the couch with a grin.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, you dramatic asshole.”

“I wasn’t being dramatic!”

“Uh huh.”

Things are fine, and things are alright, and for now Alex is very content as to where she is.

**Author's Note:**

> this is gonna get a bit lenghty i apologize but, if you made it this far and got to the notes at the end, then you know i wrote what seems to be a very controversial topic as of recently. as someone who identifies as lesbian but is greyace, seeing many of the fandom shame/disregard/hate on those who identify as gay and ace spec, its been very frustrating, and i've asked and seen the others points of views as well, and when asking for the same liberties from others they've simply said that its impossible/homophobic for myself, and for anyone to identify as both. then it came with alex danvers, long before season 2 started many were hcing alex as ace spec, AND gay, or a mixture because of the way they presented her in season 1. then when the season started this was highly acceptable, but recently many have shamed others for their own self identifications in characters, and have been pretty nasty about it. i've talked to others who have felt the same, and wished to see this fic placed out so others will know. so that's what i've done.


End file.
